I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
