The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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