Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize