Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
