They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
