i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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