On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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