I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
