I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
NoShamevember. You game?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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