Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How does one acquire holy water?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
