Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
