By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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