What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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