I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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