I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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