I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
