I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
