Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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