I just saw a hot homeless man
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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