my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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