I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
