There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize