I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
now i know why i became what i already was.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
