I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
