I need to stop coming to work sober
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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