Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
