So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
