Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
