tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
