The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
