I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I had to cum in my sink.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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