I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
