It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
