im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
