ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
