with your own penis?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
