I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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