On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
