The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
