He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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