I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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