I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
