She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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