I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
