just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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