High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
