wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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