i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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