Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
