You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
