You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
