No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
