theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize