I think I died a long time ago.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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