and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize