It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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