every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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