Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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