me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
