if only i could text you this smell
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
