we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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