If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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