i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
