Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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