I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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