Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
