Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
